Rocco's Journey Through Cancer

It’s been 4 whole weeks since Rocco has left us and so far I haven’t had a day of a dry face yet.

They say it gets easier with time.

I’m waiting patiently.

There have been little things happening around the house and me lately that normally someone would say they couldn’t explain. But I can explain.

I know my boy is still around us and protecting us.

In the first week after Rocco passed, I was having very vivid and crazy dreams. None of which made barely any sense, and I can barely remember what even happened in them. But there is one dream that stands out so clearly to me. I was looking out a window with my son and there was a beautiful, very bright, very saturated rainbow. It didn’t really have significance in my dream, but it was there and I remember it clearly.
The next day around noon I got a phone call that Rocco’s aftercare was ready to be picked up. We made the decision to have him privately cremated.
When we got him back, the embroidery on the blue velvet satchel read “Until we meet again at rainbow bridge” and that’s when it clicked. It was him in my dream, telling me he’s waiting for me there.

I see shadows and hear his big clumsy feet flopping down the stairs sometimes in the house. I’ve grown accustomed to them now and just feel good knowing it’s him.
My husband has even told me he’s seen shadows and heard things too.

I remember having a dream about playing with Rocco in the most random corner of my house. Going into the basement around the stairwell where there is nothing.
Well, I have a bit of OCD and I know EVERYthing that comes in and out of my house. My sons toys are all accounted for always. If he asks me where the small little suitcase is that came with peppa pig, I know exactly where it is.
One day I went to the basement to do some laundry and as I turned that corner that was in my dream, I saw something shining on the ground. It was a small clear rock with gold flecks inside of it. I have NO clue where this thing came from. It doesn’t belong to any toys in our house. My 3 year old son has no idea what it is or where is came from. And it was just sitting there. In the same random spot I was playing with Rocco in my dream. Did he send it to me? I have no idea. But I’m holding on to it.

The other day my husband and I got into a bit of an argument over something arbitrary. I decided to go for a drive to clear my head. I had been crying and driving, probably not the best decision but I swear on anything Rocco was in the back seat and shoved his head under my elbow. I felt it. It was real. Something bumped my elbow up as if he was pushing his head under my arm to console me like he always used to do. I did not imagine this. It was very real.

This morning I woke up to the sound of his cry. It felt so real that I actually told myself in my half asleep state that I was glad he hadn’t passed yet. Then I realized. What the f*$% am I talking about, he’s gone! But I heard him. I know I heard him.

Our dear pets are with us after death.

Anyone who says differently is wrong.

These experiences can be chalked up to stress and emotional dismay, sure.

But I know in my heart of hearts he’s with me still.

xoxo

Feeling inspired last night when I looked up from my work to where Rocco would wait for me to finish.

Ended up writing this.

Miss you buddy.

Not just a Dog

Yes, I was a dog, but I was also so much more.
I was a friend, a nurse, a comedian,
Your greeter at the door.

BBQ pal, Forest Ranger, chasing all the squirrels,
A friendly neighbourhood pooch who played with all the boys and girls.

Snuggle buddy, off-leash champ, hide and seek king,
Gate keeper at the door when I heard the doorbell ring.

Protector and solider, winner of best smile,
A true family man, that was just my loyal style.

From four legs to three, you loved me just the same.
Cancer got me in the end, so please don’t take the blame.

Don’t be sad that I am gone now because I’m better now, I’m free.
Running around happily, healthy as can be!

I’m also very lucky and let me tell you why,
I still get to be all of those things plus your angel in the sky.

So you see I’m not just a dog,
I’m lots of things now with an important task to do.
I’ll wait here at the bridge,
Until the day I get to smile again with you!

R.I.P Rocco,

Forever in our hearts.

 

 

I haven’t been on here. I couldn’t come here. Rocco has left us. It’s been 2 weeks since we had to say goodbye. I have not been able to stop crying.

I truly did lose my best friend.

Saturday January 20 – day time, Rocco is happy to be with us. Ran to the front with a smile to greet me on my way in. Played with my little one. Slept beside my little one at bedtime all snuggled up. I took a picture.

night time – after putting little one to bed, Rocco stayed with him for a while and then came to the living room to be with us. We could tell he significantly slowed down. No energy at all. Trigger words were not even exciting him. We thought, could just be a bad night for him, as we know with this stupid disease, they have their good and bad days. We said we’d wait until morning to see how he was doing.

Bedtime came for us and Rocco, who usually sleeps on his own designated couch in the living room slowly mozied over to our bedroom and slept with us on our bed that night. I knew something was up. I stayed up most of the night comforting him.

Sunday January 21 – day time, Rocco is still slow. Something wasn’t right but he continued to try and be beside us. We decided to watch a movie all together in bed. I’m on the far left, Rocco is beside me, Little one is on the other side of Rocco and Hubby on far right.

I look into Rocco’s eyes and sadness filled my heart. I could tell. I could tell he was ready to go. I even said to hubby, I think Rocco is done.

I left the room for a few minutes to get a drink. Suddenly I hear hubby yell for me to come back and get little one.

Rocco is having a seizure on the bed. Desperately looking for something to bite, right where little ones arm was. But even in that moment, he moved little ones arm out of the way and bit down on the pillow harder than I’d ever known.

He finally snapped out of it. We took him to the emergency vet.

I remember trying to calm him as he laid in the back of the truck on the floor. His eyes looking up at me, so sad. so scared. so confused.

Hubby carried him in to the vet.

They told us it was time to say goodbye. His eyes and skin were yellowed. He had no life left in him to give.

We had to say goodbye.

I laid on the floor next to him hugging him as he took his last breath.

A piece of my heart died with him that day. It doesn’t feel like I will ever be the same.

I miss him immensely. More than I can put into words.

I love you Rocco.

RIP Buddy.

 

Here I am again, I haven’t been on in a while. Seems I come here when my stress and anxiety are at a high.

Rocco has been doing VERY well. Eating, playing, loving life again…

Until recently we discovered another lump, but this time near his ribs. He’s also been coughing lately too, which I know to be a sign that it has metastasised in his lungs. 🙁

I’m really trying my hardest to hold it together, for him, for my son, for my family, but when I come to the office and I am away from it all, it hits me the hardest and I end up crying here with my door locked.

I can see it in his eyes when I get sad about it he follows suit, so I really do try to keep it positive at home.

It hurts so bad to know that even though he is the one in pain and the end is nearing, he is still trying to make sure that I am ok.

He woke me up at 2am last night to let him out to relieve himself, he did so quickly and came running back in, followed me back to bed and stood beside me, nudging my hand to stay on him. I pet him and told him I loved him and he fell on my lap.

My heart.

Today Rocco is 2 days post-Op and guess what folks;

He’s up and running!!!

I usually work from home but today was an office day. Hubby works the night shift (a blessing and a curse all in one) so he was home with Rocs.

When I returned home, he ran outside and greeted me with a smile on his face like he used to do before this all started.

It was one of the best feelings in the world!

He also got outside in the back for a bit and had his run at a squirrel or 2.

He is a pro on 3 legs already!! but I am not surprised. He wasn’t using the leg that was amputated (front right) for a few weeks prior.  He had lots of practice!!

Mister Rocco is on the mend and we are ecstatic. But we also know it’s still early so he is back to resting for now.

Until my next post, happy tripawding!